Darn these insecurities!!

When I grow up I want to be a............
Ever since I was a little boy, I was enamored with " bigger than life" individuals. Sports heroes, movie heroes, comic book heroes, and because of my musical father, music heroes. I guess maybe that's not much different than most little kids, but I always felt like those were things that I could, or at least wanted to do. So I tried it. By it, I mean I tried EVERYTHING! I played music and found out I could sing. I started wrestling and playing football. I collected comics, and dressed up as a super hero every year. I really felt like I wanted to do all of these things! The reality is, that I never put my all into any of them. And when the going got tough, Marshall found a new hobby.

Pick a hobby, any hobby......
As I got older, this jack of all trades mentality didn't subside, but my innocence did. I still wanted to do all of these things because I really liked them. Then self esteem kicked in. Or should I say, lack there of. I wanted to play football because it was fun, and I thought it would allow me to hang out with the cool kids in Jr. high. Well, I broke my arm and was out for 2 years. I wrestled and won a couple tournaments, but the first time I lost, I quit that as well. My dad tried to teach me to play the guitar, but I quit because I couldn't master it right away. So I picked up skateboarding. That's where my least judgemental friends were. I just wasn't very good at it.........so I quit. All the while I felt like a failure because I would compare myself to my popular friends who played football and had girlfriends, or who were talented musicians, or who were skateboarding and getting sponsored to do it. I felt like every time I tried something, it crashed and burned. Thus, I would never be looked up to like the kids I admired.

Can you say, " defense mechanism" ?
High school was rough at the beginning, as I was fighting and just trying to find out who I was, like everybody else. I started playing volleyball, and running track, and acting in plays and musicals. It was fun! I enjoyed these things. I enjoyed them until, of course, I met adversity. This time however, it wasn't really from outside. It was from inside. I would get bitter if I wasn't the lead role in the play, or the favorite of the drama teacher. I would be envious of the kids who won track meets and got their name in the paper. I'd be resentful of the kid who got the winning point in the vball game. " If those things would only happen to me, THEN I'd be happy! " I had this feeling inside that all of my insecurities and fears would disappear if I was successful in the worlds eyes. But I was never the best at anything! That's what I really wanted. I wanted to be considered the best at something. What I didn't realize is how much work it took to be the best. And, because of my gripping fear of failure, I didn't want to try that hard. It was easier for me to be jealous on the inside, and act confident on the outside. So I lifted weights. I fought. I was considered " tough" and " strong". Finally! Some recognition for something!! I actually liked fighting, and I liked lifting weights! Or so I thought. These things were just one more wall that enabled me to keep my fears, failures and lack of self esteem a big secret...

Finding Jesus; saving my soul, and fighting for my heart......
I guess the insecurities of our youth don't really go away the older we get, or even after being saved. They just manifest in different ways. I did eventually learn to play guitar and started trying to make a living at it. I got to do a lot of cool things and meet a lot of cool people, but just never quite " made " it. I'd find myself being bitter at other artists for getting breaks, or hearing their name on the radio, or seeing that they had more people that came to see them at the show then we did. It would upset me. It would make me jealous. It would make me envious. It would eventually make me give up. I had a friend who got in to acting after I did, and got on a few t.v shows, ( besides stealing the girl he knew I liked in high school ) and so I was secretly bitter at him. Nice to his face of course. But resentful in my black jealous heart. So i decided to become a police officer! But after being turned down from dept after dept, the best I could do was to be part-time. Another failure in my eyes. So fast forward about 5 years to now. Here I am at 27 years of age, and these demons of the fear of failure still haunt me. I did personal training and I really enjoy it, but whenever I didn't have as many clients as my friend, or wasn't making what he was, I felt like a failure. I practice hard at Jiu Jitsu because I enjoy it, only to not get promoted before I leave for Long Beach. Heart breaking. And I try and do music, only to see others far more established or successful, and I want to give it up. I even work at a church with less than fifty people and wonder," Are we failing ? "

Thank God He has already told me who I am
It's not easy to live so confidently like nothing is wrong. It's a lot of work to keep up this happy-go-lucky facade! Since I've moved to Long Beach, I've sold my business, gave away my dog, let go of a 3 bedroom house with a pool, cut my bank account to less than a quarter of what it was, and gone from playing music every Sunday in front of a couple thousand people with a professional band, to living on couch, eating pb n j sandwiches everyday, ( out of necessity not choice), and playing music in a church with less than 50 people. It's been extremely tempting to feel sorry for myself, and do what I've done my whole life when things get tough...quit. Be jealous. Be envious. Be bitter. Be insecure. But guess what? That's not how we're doing things this time around. In all of this transition, I've had one thing more present in my life than anything else; Time with God. I've had no choice but to spend a lot of time with God, and come to terms with a few things that He has wanted to tell me for a long time. The following is a letter from God to Marshall. The post mark is extremely old. I just now got around to reading it.

Dear my son,
 I knew your name before time began. I knew you inside your mother's womb. I know the number of hairs on your head. I sent my Son Jesus Christ to live a life that you could never live, and die a death you could never die, so that you may be forgiven of your sins, and spend an eternity with me in Heaven. Through your life you will encounter many trials and troubles. Life will not always go the way that you want it. In fact, if you decide to accept my Son, your life may be even more trying.

 You should know a few things. My Son Jesus can relate to your struggles. He was tempted in the same ways that you are, yet He did not sin. He understands your insecurities, your defense mechanisms, and your fear of failure. The good news is that He has defeated those things once and for all through His death on the cross. He pleads for you in Heaven, and has separated your sin as far as the east is from the west. When you spend time with Him, He will be reminding you through His Holy spirit, who you really are. You are a child of The Living God of the universe. You were purchased at a price. This was a gift especially for you, so that you may know that despite anything that you deem as a failure in your life, I do not ever fail you. My word never returns void. I accomplished what you couldn't.

 Marshall you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You were made for the ultimate pleasure and enjoyment, which is to love Me and be loved by Me. Where you fail, My grace abounds. When you fall, I pick you up. I am faithful to things that you can't be faithful to. I am faithful to the unfaithful. So the next time you wonder who you are, or what you should be, remember that you Marshall, are made in the image of God. You are a called a child of God, and that Marshall, is all that matters.      
                                                                                                             Love, God