When I grow up I want to be a............
Ever since I was a little boy, I was enamored with " bigger than life" individuals. Sports heroes, movie heroes, comic book heroes, and because of my musical father, music heroes. I guess maybe that's not much different than most little kids, but I always felt like those were things that I could, or at least wanted to do. So I tried it. By it, I mean I tried EVERYTHING! I played music and found out I could sing. I started wrestling and playing football. I collected comics, and dressed up as a super hero every year. I really felt like I wanted to do all of these things! The reality is, that I never put my all into any of them. And when the going got tough, Marshall found a new hobby.
Pick a hobby, any hobby......
As I got older, this jack of all trades mentality didn't subside, but my innocence did. I still wanted to do all of these things because I really liked them. Then self esteem kicked in. Or should I say, lack there of. I wanted to play football because it was fun, and I thought it would allow me to hang out with the cool kids in Jr. high. Well, I broke my arm and was out for 2 years. I wrestled and won a couple tournaments, but the first time I lost, I quit that as well. My dad tried to teach me to play the guitar, but I quit because I couldn't master it right away. So I picked up skateboarding. That's where my least judgemental friends were. I just wasn't very good at it.........so I quit. All the while I felt like a failure because I would compare myself to my popular friends who played football and had girlfriends, or who were talented musicians, or who were skateboarding and getting sponsored to do it. I felt like every time I tried something, it crashed and burned. Thus, I would never be looked up to like the kids I admired.
Can you say, " defense mechanism" ?
High school was rough at the beginning, as I was fighting and just trying to find out who I was, like everybody else. I started playing volleyball, and running track, and acting in plays and musicals. It was fun! I enjoyed these things. I enjoyed them until, of course, I met adversity. This time however, it wasn't really from outside. It was from inside. I would get bitter if I wasn't the lead role in the play, or the favorite of the drama teacher. I would be envious of the kids who won track meets and got their name in the paper. I'd be resentful of the kid who got the winning point in the vball game. " If those things would only happen to me, THEN I'd be happy! " I had this feeling inside that all of my insecurities and fears would disappear if I was successful in the worlds eyes. But I was never the best at anything! That's what I really wanted. I wanted to be considered the best at something. What I didn't realize is how much work it took to be the best. And, because of my gripping fear of failure, I didn't want to try that hard. It was easier for me to be jealous on the inside, and act confident on the outside. So I lifted weights. I fought. I was considered " tough" and " strong". Finally! Some recognition for something!! I actually liked fighting, and I liked lifting weights! Or so I thought. These things were just one more wall that enabled me to keep my fears, failures and lack of self esteem a big secret...
Finding Jesus; saving my soul, and fighting for my heart......
I guess the insecurities of our youth don't really go away the older we get, or even after being saved. They just manifest in different ways. I did eventually learn to play guitar and started trying to make a living at it. I got to do a lot of cool things and meet a lot of cool people, but just never quite " made " it. I'd find myself being bitter at other artists for getting breaks, or hearing their name on the radio, or seeing that they had more people that came to see them at the show then we did. It would upset me. It would make me jealous. It would make me envious. It would eventually make me give up. I had a friend who got in to acting after I did, and got on a few t.v shows, ( besides stealing the girl he knew I liked in high school ) and so I was secretly bitter at him. Nice to his face of course. But resentful in my black jealous heart. So i decided to become a police officer! But after being turned down from dept after dept, the best I could do was to be part-time. Another failure in my eyes. So fast forward about 5 years to now. Here I am at 27 years of age, and these demons of the fear of failure still haunt me. I did personal training and I really enjoy it, but whenever I didn't have as many clients as my friend, or wasn't making what he was, I felt like a failure. I practice hard at Jiu Jitsu because I enjoy it, only to not get promoted before I leave for Long Beach. Heart breaking. And I try and do music, only to see others far more established or successful, and I want to give it up. I even work at a church with less than fifty people and wonder," Are we failing ? "
Thank God He has already told me who I am
It's not easy to live so confidently like nothing is wrong. It's a lot of work to keep up this happy-go-lucky facade! Since I've moved to Long Beach, I've sold my business, gave away my dog, let go of a 3 bedroom house with a pool, cut my bank account to less than a quarter of what it was, and gone from playing music every Sunday in front of a couple thousand people with a professional band, to living on couch, eating pb n j sandwiches everyday, ( out of necessity not choice), and playing music in a church with less than 50 people. It's been extremely tempting to feel sorry for myself, and do what I've done my whole life when things get tough...quit. Be jealous. Be envious. Be bitter. Be insecure. But guess what? That's not how we're doing things this time around. In all of this transition, I've had one thing more present in my life than anything else; Time with God. I've had no choice but to spend a lot of time with God, and come to terms with a few things that He has wanted to tell me for a long time. The following is a letter from God to Marshall. The post mark is extremely old. I just now got around to reading it.
Dear my son,
I knew your name before time began. I knew you inside your mother's womb. I know the number of hairs on your head. I sent my Son Jesus Christ to live a life that you could never live, and die a death you could never die, so that you may be forgiven of your sins, and spend an eternity with me in Heaven. Through your life you will encounter many trials and troubles. Life will not always go the way that you want it. In fact, if you decide to accept my Son, your life may be even more trying.
You should know a few things. My Son Jesus can relate to your struggles. He was tempted in the same ways that you are, yet He did not sin. He understands your insecurities, your defense mechanisms, and your fear of failure. The good news is that He has defeated those things once and for all through His death on the cross. He pleads for you in Heaven, and has separated your sin as far as the east is from the west. When you spend time with Him, He will be reminding you through His Holy spirit, who you really are. You are a child of The Living God of the universe. You were purchased at a price. This was a gift especially for you, so that you may know that despite anything that you deem as a failure in your life, I do not ever fail you. My word never returns void. I accomplished what you couldn't.
Marshall you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You were made for the ultimate pleasure and enjoyment, which is to love Me and be loved by Me. Where you fail, My grace abounds. When you fall, I pick you up. I am faithful to things that you can't be faithful to. I am faithful to the unfaithful. So the next time you wonder who you are, or what you should be, remember that you Marshall, are made in the image of God. You are a called a child of God, and that Marshall, is all that matters.
Love, God
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Original who?
So, I've had the chance in the last several years to be a part of a lot of different environments; from the music industry, to the mma ( mixed martial arts for those of you who have taken an extended vacation to another planet for the past several years ) , to coaching high school sports and working at a high school, to working at a church with a couple thousand people, to working at a church with a couple hundred people.
All this to say, that as different as these things may appear on the surface, they all have one very obvious commonality: they all contain some kind of " click " in which the participants make an attempt to try and be as different, or " unique " as possible. In the sports world, it may be the guys who paint their face, and wear different colored sox or change their names to numbers : in mma, it seems that the popular thing as of late via a fighter named Chuck Liddell, is to wear a closely groomed mo hawk on your skull : In high schools, the possibilities of the " cool " or " unique " cliques are endless..Have you seen high school kids lately?? And in the music industry, it plays out like an army of rebellious hipster-doofuses that try make every attempt in the world not to sound like, or look like any body else out there that has ever picked up an instrument in the history of mankind. Just ask them! They'll gladly tell you! Ask them, " So what kind of music do you play?" Oh my! You've just opened up a Pandora's box of avant garde, ambiguous answers that are all basically aimed at telling you that they don't sound like anybody else in history! Gimme a break!
No where have I seen this played out more comedic ally than in the church music culture, and since this is the arena that I am most involved, I will choose to elaborate on this area in particular for the remainder of this rant. You watch all the music guys or gals off stage, and they just look, well, like angry emo kids! They are all trying to be sooo different than other churches, and be soo original, and dress sooo alternatively that they end up looking down on those who don't look like them? And, ironically enough, meet the same fate that they are trying so hard to avoid...THEY ALL LOOK LIKE EACHOTHER!! You know the guys I'm talking about...They all have skinny jeans on, Toms shoes ( cause they care ) , a Mr. Rodgers sweater vest sort of thing, and some kind of half-long half-short hair do that is sure to only cover only one eye.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to judge these guys' hearts and I know I'm making a gross generalization. But it's my blog so I can do that. My point here though is bigger than appearance. It's that in this attempt to be soooo relevant, and soo alternative, and soo different, that they end up looking down on those who don't look like they do! The very thing they hate! This is what they accuse the "yuppies" of doing, but they are doing the same thing! I see these guys at conferences, and churches and music venues and they look like they are watching the grass grow when engaging those who might have a name-brand shirt on, or laces on their shoes, or heaven forbid a haircut! In all their originality of trying to look like their not trying, it's obvious that they are! Trying! And even though they all look alike, they think they are the most original ones in the room!
The Bible says that there is nothing new under the sun. Truer words were never spoken. Everybody is borrowing from someone. So what?! If someone has a good idea, or does a song better, or has a cool shirt, or smells better, you better believe I'm gonna ask how I can gleam some of that wisdom! That's what makes us efficient! We don't always try to reinvent the wheel! Now I'm all for creative freedom, artistic expression, and originality, so please don't misunderstand me. What I fear is that the artist is becoming unapproachable, because the non-artists feel unworthy to approach the awkward throne of the artist to engage in conversation, share an opinion, or even just give us a hi-five!
So if you are reading this as an artist, a fan of an artist, an emo artist, or non of the above, let us remember that originality is not something that you have to work so terribly hard for. Originality just is. The most original people I know, don't realize that they are original at all. They aren't trying to be original. They are just being themselves. Note to self..........
All this to say, that as different as these things may appear on the surface, they all have one very obvious commonality: they all contain some kind of " click " in which the participants make an attempt to try and be as different, or " unique " as possible. In the sports world, it may be the guys who paint their face, and wear different colored sox or change their names to numbers : in mma, it seems that the popular thing as of late via a fighter named Chuck Liddell, is to wear a closely groomed mo hawk on your skull : In high schools, the possibilities of the " cool " or " unique " cliques are endless..Have you seen high school kids lately?? And in the music industry, it plays out like an army of rebellious hipster-doofuses that try make every attempt in the world not to sound like, or look like any body else out there that has ever picked up an instrument in the history of mankind. Just ask them! They'll gladly tell you! Ask them, " So what kind of music do you play?" Oh my! You've just opened up a Pandora's box of avant garde, ambiguous answers that are all basically aimed at telling you that they don't sound like anybody else in history! Gimme a break!
No where have I seen this played out more comedic ally than in the church music culture, and since this is the arena that I am most involved, I will choose to elaborate on this area in particular for the remainder of this rant. You watch all the music guys or gals off stage, and they just look, well, like angry emo kids! They are all trying to be sooo different than other churches, and be soo original, and dress sooo alternatively that they end up looking down on those who don't look like them? And, ironically enough, meet the same fate that they are trying so hard to avoid...THEY ALL LOOK LIKE EACHOTHER!! You know the guys I'm talking about...They all have skinny jeans on, Toms shoes ( cause they care ) , a Mr. Rodgers sweater vest sort of thing, and some kind of half-long half-short hair do that is sure to only cover only one eye.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to judge these guys' hearts and I know I'm making a gross generalization. But it's my blog so I can do that. My point here though is bigger than appearance. It's that in this attempt to be soooo relevant, and soo alternative, and soo different, that they end up looking down on those who don't look like they do! The very thing they hate! This is what they accuse the "yuppies" of doing, but they are doing the same thing! I see these guys at conferences, and churches and music venues and they look like they are watching the grass grow when engaging those who might have a name-brand shirt on, or laces on their shoes, or heaven forbid a haircut! In all their originality of trying to look like their not trying, it's obvious that they are! Trying! And even though they all look alike, they think they are the most original ones in the room!
The Bible says that there is nothing new under the sun. Truer words were never spoken. Everybody is borrowing from someone. So what?! If someone has a good idea, or does a song better, or has a cool shirt, or smells better, you better believe I'm gonna ask how I can gleam some of that wisdom! That's what makes us efficient! We don't always try to reinvent the wheel! Now I'm all for creative freedom, artistic expression, and originality, so please don't misunderstand me. What I fear is that the artist is becoming unapproachable, because the non-artists feel unworthy to approach the awkward throne of the artist to engage in conversation, share an opinion, or even just give us a hi-five!
So if you are reading this as an artist, a fan of an artist, an emo artist, or non of the above, let us remember that originality is not something that you have to work so terribly hard for. Originality just is. The most original people I know, don't realize that they are original at all. They aren't trying to be original. They are just being themselves. Note to self..........
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
It's recently occurred to me..
It's recently occurred to me that people build defense mechanisms the size of the great wall of China. Now, I understand that there could be various reasons for the walls that we build and some of them may even be very valid for what you've gone through. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about someone who's had something bad happen to them, so they build a natural and logical defense so as not to undergo that plight again. That's understandable. No, what I'm talking about are the people who are well aware of some kind of character flaw that they posses, and they will stop at nothing to make sure that nobody can ever say anything to them, and that they never have to answer for it.
I guess this falls under a myriad of categories all huddled up underneath that tattered umbrella we call pride. The Bible says that a prideful man sets his heart against God, and that pride comes before the fall. C.S. Lewis calls pride the greatest of all sins. He says in Mere Christianity that pride is what made the devil, well, the devil. So look, I have a pretty decent understanding as to why pride exists and why it's such a problem in the world. And I definitely have no delusions of grandeur that I'm going to be the great detective that cracks the case and solves the problem, or even answers any substantial questions with my simple little right-brained blog.
But if you will bare with my rambling for a second, I want to explore why this such a BIG problem among, of all people, Christians. After all, we are supposed to be the one's that have the greatest understanding of this deadly sin, and the power it has to come in between you and relationships, or what's worse, you and God.
So why is it that some of the most arrogant, defensive and prideful people I know, are Christians? I can't tell you how many times I've been cut down by a fellow brother or sister in Christ, and never been apologized to. I've been falsely accused of things, slandered, and shunned, all by people in the church.
It seems a simple task for some people to take the position of the pharisees in Luke and thank God that we are not like that poor sinner over there. Why when we get a little spiritual do we all of the sudden forget about our own sin, and feel like we have the best advise in the world, or that we can go ahead and take Christ out of the judgement seat and plant our dirty behinds in His place? I've really had to learn over the years that the the hardest thing for a sinner to do in the world, is to admit that they are a sinner. Not in silent prayer: no we're all great at that; But to the person we've wronged.
That makes us vulnerable. That makes us lose control. It makes us look in the mirror. God forbid we actually allow people to see us weak. To see us in a state of humility. People often confuse weakness with meekness. Weakness is being without the ability to do something. Meekness is having ample power to do something, but choosing instead to exercise humility. We have all the power in the world to accuse, to judge, to pass the buck, and to dodge responsibility all in the name of not wanting to seem weak. So try taking that " w " in the beginning of that word, and turning it upside down. Jesus didn't ask us to be "w"eek. He asked us to be "m"eek. And the meek shall inherit the earth.
I guess this falls under a myriad of categories all huddled up underneath that tattered umbrella we call pride. The Bible says that a prideful man sets his heart against God, and that pride comes before the fall. C.S. Lewis calls pride the greatest of all sins. He says in Mere Christianity that pride is what made the devil, well, the devil. So look, I have a pretty decent understanding as to why pride exists and why it's such a problem in the world. And I definitely have no delusions of grandeur that I'm going to be the great detective that cracks the case and solves the problem, or even answers any substantial questions with my simple little right-brained blog.
But if you will bare with my rambling for a second, I want to explore why this such a BIG problem among, of all people, Christians. After all, we are supposed to be the one's that have the greatest understanding of this deadly sin, and the power it has to come in between you and relationships, or what's worse, you and God.
So why is it that some of the most arrogant, defensive and prideful people I know, are Christians? I can't tell you how many times I've been cut down by a fellow brother or sister in Christ, and never been apologized to. I've been falsely accused of things, slandered, and shunned, all by people in the church.
It seems a simple task for some people to take the position of the pharisees in Luke and thank God that we are not like that poor sinner over there. Why when we get a little spiritual do we all of the sudden forget about our own sin, and feel like we have the best advise in the world, or that we can go ahead and take Christ out of the judgement seat and plant our dirty behinds in His place? I've really had to learn over the years that the the hardest thing for a sinner to do in the world, is to admit that they are a sinner. Not in silent prayer: no we're all great at that; But to the person we've wronged.
That makes us vulnerable. That makes us lose control. It makes us look in the mirror. God forbid we actually allow people to see us weak. To see us in a state of humility. People often confuse weakness with meekness. Weakness is being without the ability to do something. Meekness is having ample power to do something, but choosing instead to exercise humility. We have all the power in the world to accuse, to judge, to pass the buck, and to dodge responsibility all in the name of not wanting to seem weak. So try taking that " w " in the beginning of that word, and turning it upside down. Jesus didn't ask us to be "w"eek. He asked us to be "m"eek. And the meek shall inherit the earth.
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